


See you again

by justagirl12345



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: #zalex, Angst, Anorexia, F/M, Family, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Rape, Trust
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:08:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25646317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justagirl12345/pseuds/justagirl12345
Summary: “The butterfly effect is an idea that is more commonly used in chaos theory. A small change can make much bigger changes happen; one small incident can have a big impact on the future.In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state.”
Relationships: Charlie St. George & Alex Standall, Jessica Davis/Justin Foley, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 13
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In this story Justin didn't die just because I want him to live and without Justin something is missing.  
> English is not my main language and I mainly worked with gool translators. I hope you can understand that and I look forward to suggestions for improvement. 
> 
> The story is almost finished, there will definitely be a second part. I don't know when the other chapters will appear.
> 
> Enjoy the story and thank you for reading it! :)

_Chapter one_

**„Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.“~ Allen Saunders.**

_“The butterfly effect is an idea that is more commonly used in chaos theory. A small change can make much bigger changes happen; one small incident can have a big impact on the future._

_In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state.”_

Zach has sat down on the concrete wall to breath trough for a moment. He had many classes today that took his concentration away. Zach takes a deep breath to fill his lungs with oxygen so that he can feel himself, that he can feel that he’s alive, to get his head free. Free from all the stress that’s build up in the past few months. Free from all this shit he has behind him. His therapist taught him – a little longer ago - this breathing technique. His graduation was one year ago. All his time now goes to college and his job as a side coach of the football team from Liberty High. It’s fun, it makes him happy. But he had come a long way.

He couldn't stop his alcohol addiction overnight. He tried, but failed. He knew it had gotten out of control. Starting to relieve his pain, which he became aware again and again when his knee started to hurt after a long day. When he realized again that he would never play football again. A passion he can hardly let go of. He started to drink even more, when he realized how much pain he caused to his mother and sister. His family, which he always wanted to be proud of him, he wanted his sister to look up to him, be her role modell, her stone which she can hold when she feels she is being pulled out of her life. In the past one and a half year, he fucked this up too. The pain became unbearable when Alex started to date Charlie. He knew he fucked this up too. He was to unaware of his feelings at the moment, when Alex kissed him. He always knew, that he cared about the boy, that he loved him but just in a friendly way. He acted like an asshole. And regrets it more every day.

Oh boy, he was wrong. At the moment Alex told that he dated Charlie, the pain became more and more unbearable. Drinking helped. The loss of control, the dizziness the feeling of the alcohol made him forget about his pain. It made him feel good, that he can finally breath again. But in the small periods where he was not drunk, in the time after graduation, when his life has to go on, he realized he needs help. That he needs to get past everything that happened. To grow up, to rise, to shine. That he finally can find, who he is and where his place is in his life.

He got help. It took him about six months to finally let go of the alcohol. Sometimes he needed it, when college was to stressful, when he got in a fight with his friends with whom he feels more connected than anything else and when he saw a fucking sweet photo from Charlie and Alex on Instagram. But he managed to be clean for six months now. And he is fucking proud of himself. His relationship with his family is as strong as never nowadays. His mother was proud, that he got his life under control again, even if she always hoped he would life another life after high school, but that’s another story.

Lately he's been remembering how it all started. He remembers Hannah, and the consequences of her actions. Or rather, the consequences of his actions and of his friends, which led to Hannah's actions and further consequences. If you don't know the story, it's pretty complicated. He regrets much of that time. A lot of what he and his friends did to her. That they didn't care about anything except popularity and parties. He regrets what Bryce did to her. He regrets not having stopped Bryce earlier. He does no regret the friends he found from it. Before Hannah, he could never have imagined being friends with anyone other than the _“guys”._ He couldn't imagine his life without them anymore. Couldn’t imagine a life without supportive, loving and true friends. Couldn’t imagine a life without **Alex**.

Over the past six months a lot has changed - definitely with his friends - which makes him very anxious. They stopped talking to each other. At least in person. The last meeting was when he announced that he is sober, and they met at Clay and Justin’s house to celebrate. It was fun, it was nice. Everyone was proud of him, especially Justin and Alex. Justin, because he knows how hard it is not to be addicted anymore and because he knows the feelings from the Asian boy towards his best friend. They never talked about it, he never asked for it, but he can see it. For him, it is obvious. And Alex, because he is his best friend and he cared about him, too. Maybe too much, maybe not. He wants him to be healthy and to life his life in the right way. That’s why he – at the Moment he saw the boy - wrapped his arms around the bigger one and pushed him tightly on himself and repeated the words „I’m so fucking proud of you“ over and over again. It was the best night he had in a long time. He doesn't know why the contact between his friends has broken off. Probably because they all have a lot of things to do. Sometimes they ask each other in their group chat how everything’s is going on. Most of them replied with “Fine”, “Everything’s great”. Even Alex doesn’t answer him anymore. This makes him fucking scared.

He was taken out of his mind as his phone vibrated. His sister.

„Are you coming home bevor or after practice? “He smiled, she was always excited, when he visits his home.

„After practice, need some time to study “

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When practice is about to be over, he thought for a few minutes if he should catch up with Charlie to talk to him, but for real this time. Well, they do talk. Considering that he is coaching this boy, but they also stopped talking as friends. He needs to change this. Also, he needs to know what is going on with Alex.

“Charlie... hey!”, he catches up with the boy bevor he could go to the locker room to take a shower. He turned around, a little surprised by the sudden attention.

“Hey… is everything okay? Did I do something wrong? I know the last pass wasn't the best but...”

“No! It’s fine... That’s not why I called you. I just… I feel like we don’t talk to each other anymore”

“Yeah... you’re right... It’s scary. I don't talk to the others anymore because I don't know if it's good or bad if I break the ice... Is that like a “thing” you guys do from time to time? Because it does not feel right” He scratches his head.

Zach thinks for a moment. Sure, they are used to hearing nothing from each other for a few days but not for months.

“Actually… no. That’s why I wanted to ask you if you are free after practice? You know... just for a talk?” Charlie looked surprised for two seconds. Then his face light up with a smile.

“Yeah! Absolutely… just let me take a shower and we meet in the parking lot?”

“Yeah… sounds good”

They decided to meet at Monet’s. It is still open for a few hours so they have enough time to talk. On his way to Monet’s Zach texted his little sister that he won’t be home for dinner tonight, that he has to do something that can’t wait. To make up for it he promised her to get ice cream tomorrow.

The two boys settled at their favorite table, Zach got a regular coffee – it helped him to get over the alcohol – and Charlie got himself some mokka chappuchino. He nervously took a sip than started to speak.

“It’s so good that we’re talking again. I’m so so sorry… I could have say something too .. I don’t know why I didn’t. I—I actually planned to bu...”

“Hey... It’s fine”, Zach interrupted him with a smile. “Let’s just be grateful that we can talk now” And they did.

At first, they talked about everything that has happened recently, about college and school. Zach became suspicious, Charlie never mentioned Alex name. Not once. The last time he saw the two, it looked like they’re still madly in love with each other. At least it looked like it to him. Countless questions sprang up in his head. Is everything okay? Did they broke up? Does Charlie know, why he isn’t responding to Zach’s texts. He needs to know. Needs to know that he’s okay.

“I… uhm… I also wanted to talk to you about Alex”, Zach says after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“It’s okay… really Zach. We’ve talked a lot after the party at Clay and Justin.” _Okay?_ Zach opened his mouth, wanted to ask what Charlie is talking about but he just kept talking.

“After a few days, he seemed to be different, you know? He told me about his crush about you and assured me that he has no feelings for you anymore… but I could see trough this mask and at some point… he did too…”, he took a breath, remembered when the days turned into weeks, when Alex got a lot quieter than usually, and Charlie knew something was wrong.

Zach just sat there, completely frozen from what he heard from Charlie. He didn't understand a single word or sentence. Shit, he didn't even understand the message Charlie was trying to tell him.

“ One evening we were both in his bed in his room and wanted to watch a movie. When I was greeted, I knew something was wrong. Something will happen that I won't like. Both of us didn’t said a wort while watching the movie. But suddenly, he just said my name and looked into my eyes. He didn’t say a word, shit he didn’t need to say a word because I just saw everything, he wanted to tell me…”, he took another sip of his coffee. “The end of the story, we broke up. But you probably know that by now. Everything’s fine Zach. I got over it. I just want him to be happy. I know he is with you” Charlie smiled. He fucking smiled at Zach. Zach couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move and he especially couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I...I don’t know…”, he started. Does Charlie think he is in a relationship with Alex? He would. But he also would like to know about it. Does Alex tell everyone he’s in a relationship with Zach? Is this the reason why he ignores him.

“I don’t know what you are talking about”, Zach say. Charlies eyes winded. “W..Wait?! You don’t?” Zach shakes his head. “Oh my god, I am so so sorry. I though he already had talked to you. I..I mean it’s six months ago!”, Charlies shocked. He knew the boy needed time. _But that long?_

This whole situation just doesn’t make sense. He is slowly becoming aware that something is wrong. Really really wrong. He knows that Alex needs some time sometimes. Just to think. To classify his feelings. To understand his feelings. But he also knows, that his best friend would have contacted him. That he would have talked to him. At least about the break up with Charlie.

He looks over at Charlie again. His pale face, the panicked expression on his face confirm him in his theory. **_Something is absolutely wrong._**


	2. Chapter two

_Chapter two_

**_Silence is a true friend who never betrays. ~ Konfuzius_ **

  


  


When Zach was in bed in the evening, he couldn't sleep. He didn't know what to think.

After Zach and Charlie wanted to say goodbye at some point, Zach assured the younger boy that he would talk to Alex and that he probably didn't talk to him because maybe he needed time to think. He was probably busy. Zach knows his best friend.

Zach doesn't know how his voice was so secure at that moment. He immediately saw in Charlie's expression that the younger one believed him. Even though he couldn't believe himself. He knew it was all a lie. But he didn't want Charlie to worry.

 **“Hey, Alex. Are you there?”,** he looked at the text he wrote ten minutes ago. So far, he has not received an answer.

**„I talked to Charlie today, it’s okay buddy.”**

**“Alex please answer me”,** impatient and fear spread through his body. It's almost midnight, maybe he's just sleeping soundly, Zach tried to calm himself down. He tried to call Alex, hoping he might wake him up. He didn't care at the moment that he was thinking selfish. He wanted to talk to him now. But when the mailbox answered the second time, Zach threw his phone frustrated next to him on the bed and ran his hands through his face. For a brief moment, he considered sitting in the car and just driving to Alex in Bekerly. Even if it’s in the middle of the night and it’s likely that he’s acting like a fool. He was frustrated and tired, maybe he should try to sleep and think about how best to do it tomorrow.

But before that he had picked up his cell phone again and sent a short text to Alex.

**“I’m sorry. I miss you… I like you too, you know. Took me a while to understand it”**

Zach can’t remember when he fell asleep. All he knew the next morning was that he hadn't slept well and that he has to find out what had happened. He took a quick shower, had a quick breakfast with his family. Has promised May to be back in time for her ice cream, got in his car and drove straight to his first indication. The Standalls House.

He wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad decision, considering whether the parents even know that Alex is no longer answering. Maybe he is at home. Safe and sound and has his reasons for his behavior. Maybe he isn’t. Maybe his parents don’t know anything about all of this. Maybe something happened to Alex. The worst scenarios played out in Zach's head. A car crash, maybe he got beaten up very bad, maybe he got mobbed, maybe he tried to kill himself again?

  


The car ride took longer than it ever was. When he finally drove into the familiar neighborhood and parked in front of the even more familiar house he jogged to the front door and rang the doorbell.

Not a minute later Mr. Standall opened the door with a surprised but friendly expression.

“Zach! It’s nice to see you again.”, he smiled. “How are you?”

Zach smiled back. “It’s nice to see you too, sir. I’m good. College is great”

“This is good news”, he pauses and glances over the shoulder into the house. “I’m sorry but Alex is not here over the Weekend.”, his smile fades. Zach heart dropped. When Mr.Standall said goodbye Zach stepped in. “I’m not here to see Alex. I wanted to ask you some questions about him”, he said quickly. He was afraid. What does his Parents hide?

“What do you want to ask, son?” His expression was tense. Zach got nervous.

“Did something happen? He..”, Zach started but Mr.Standall cut him off. “We should talk inside” He leads Zach into the dining room, where Mrs. Standall sat.

“Zach! It’s been so long.”, she beamed and hugged him. They all sat down on the table. Mrs. Standall brought him a coffee. “Well Zach, what do you want to ask?”, Alex father started the conversation.

“I’m worried about Alex. He isn’t responding to any of my texts. I mean, all of us aren’t talking to each other for a while now, but I texted him all night yesterday and I wrote that it is important but I still haven’t got any answer.”, he started and looked nervously at both adults. “Did something happen to him?”

Both Parents looked at each other. They were silent for a few minutes and Zach knew there is something wrong. He is afraid now. Zach can see how they communicate with just their eyes.

“Okay Zach, we trust you”, Alex mother begins. “You’re Alex best friend and we want you to know the truth”

“Witch we don’t know” Alex father ends.

“You don’t know?”

Mr. Standall sighed and massaged his temple with one hand.

“All we know is, that he is missing for about for months now. His roommate said that he went to a party and never came back. After two days, he informed the police. We have known since then.” Zach looked between both parents. Alex mother looked like she started crying. His father seems to be trying to look stronger than his wife.

“We searched everything, asked everyone who had been with Alex lately but have found no evidence” Zach couldn’t believe it. Alex is missing and they didn’t think of calling him?

“Wait...”, Zach shock his head. “Alex is missing? Why didn’t you guys call me? I could have helped. I could have known something! Or Jess or Clay or Charlie!?” Zach almost shouted.

“Alex told us that you guys weren’t talking. He never told us why. And we didn't want to get you into something that you had nothing to do with. You had to go through too much during high school.”

“That’s bullshit!”

“Zach _language”_

“He's my best friend and just because we haven't talked to each other lately doesn't mean I'm not worried.”

“Zach, we know”

“No, you don’t.”

“Zach, please calm down.”, Altex's father speaks with a stern voice and Zach immediately felt bad. They are not to blame, they wanted to protect him, they are not to blame for the fact that Zach and Alex lost contact.

“Sorry”, he spoke softly.

“It's okay Zach ... It's not easy for all of us and we're all worried. And your reaction shows us what a good friend you are Zach.” _A good friend would know that his best friend is missing. A good friend would have contacted them and not simply ignored them. He wasn't a good friend,_ Zach thought.

“What do we do now?”, Alex parents exchanged a look.

“We'll keep looking for him. We ask you to keep your ears open, if you should notice something, please contact us. Just promise us Zach that you won't go looking for yourself. You also have to think about yourself and your future, we will do that.”, Alex mother asked nicely. She was always such a nice person, sometimes very strict, but always very nice and accommodating. Zach loved her for that.

He could only nod. They talked for a few more minutes before Zach apologized and said he had to go home. They said goodbye at the door and Zach quickly got into his car and drove off. He didn't drive home, he just went around and tried to process what he just heard. _Alex is missing._

Zach imagined the worst scenarios. That Alex had got lost somewhere and lost his bearings and doesn't know how to get home. That maybe something bad happened to Alex, maybe he was beaten up and can't move anymore. Maybe he's in some hospital on the other side of the country. _Maybe he is dead?_

He shook his head. No, he can't think of anything like that. There will certainly be a very simple explanation. Maybe he's just traveling? Zach stopped his car on a dirt road just outside the city. He needs fresh air to clear his head. Maybe he should text the others and ask if they know any details? But probably not, otherwise Alex's father would have spoken to them long ago and then they would have asked him, if he knows something.

He walked a bit through the landscape. He didn't know that Evergreen can be so beautiful outside of the city. After a while his feet hurt and he sat on the next bench he found. He tries to think of nothing at all for a moment and wants to affect the beautiful nature. It’s so quiet and that calms him down, it does him good.

He took his cell phone out of his pocket and opened his photo gallery. He scrolls up until he finds the photo he was looking for. It was a photo of him and Alex that they took at the beginning of the summer vacation after they graduated from school. It was "Zach and Alex time" again and they took advantage of the good weather and went to the ocean for a day. It was a little too windy to go into the water, but they still had a good time. They had brought a large towel and something to eat. In the photo, they both smiled at the camera, both with sunglasses on their noses, their hair ruffled by the wind. Zach started to smile when he remembered lying on the towel with Alex, soaking up the sun and hearing Alex say _"I'm so fucking happy right now"._

And Zach's heart broke when he understood the meaning behind these words. High school is over, the worst time of her life, with everything that has happened. But they are happy to have gotten the friends they are now. Alex was happy, he couldn't wait to start over. No longer being "the boy who shot himself in the head". He has a super nice boyfriend who adores him and makes him happier than he has ever been and he had a super great best friend that he could always rely on. That’s what Zach his. _Best Friend._ But it was his fault, it really was. If he hadn't panicked and tried to suppress his feelings, he might be the super nice boyfriend now.

Just as he was about to look for more pictures, he heard an unknown voice next to him.

“Hi Zach”, Zach turned his head in the direction of the voice and there stood a girl. Shee had long, curly blonde hair, about the size of Alex, thin and wearing glasses.

“Uhm… Hey?... I’m sorry, but do I know you?”, he asked confused. He can't remember ever seeing her, maybe just fleetingly or maybe in his “totally wasted” time? Suddenly he felt bad, he didn't hope that he had hurt this girl somehow during his "fuck it all" behavior.

“No…”, she smiled lightly. “But I know you. I’m Henlee, I was an exchange student during your high school days at Liberty High.”

“How come I never noticed you?”, Zach smiled back slightly.

“I like to be among myself and not to be the center of attention.”, she played with the sleeve of her sweater and looked into the forest that spread out behind them. “May I?”, she points to the free space next to Zach on the bench. Zach nodded a little too quickly, slid a little over to make room for her. When she sat down, the two did not speak for a few minutes and enjoyed the silence.

“What are you doing here?”, Zach asked for some time, he looked over at her. She looked relaxed as she stared into the distance.

“I like to come here and enjoy the silence. Sometimes I think about things where I actually thought there would never be a solution, but this place sometimes gives me the answer I needed.”, she looks at him too. “It may sound a bit strange but I like it.”, Zach looked into her eyes. The sun's rays that begin to shine out of them make them shine in a clear green and blue. _Not as nice as Alex’s eyes_ , he thought.

“What about you?”, she asked when he got no response from Zach.

“I don’t know… needed some time to think.”, he looked away and looked at the beautiful landscape again.

“You look stressed and sad, are you okay?”

“Yeah… just… Just thinking about a friend”, he answers honestly. He saw Henlee sit sideways and put one leg on the bench so she could look at him better. “Wanna talk about it?”

“No”, he whispers. “It’s complicated.”. _Is it?,_ he asks himself.

“Maybe this place will give you the answer you need, too”, Zach laughed bitterly. Henlee raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I wish I had been here before and got the answer I needed.”

“Nah…”, she responded. “Where is the challenge when all questions are answered? Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.”

“I thought the silence helps you to get the answers you need?”

“It does, but only the answers I don't want to hear. You know, like a really good friend who says everything in your face, even when it hurts. But it is important to know these answers, otherwise life would not work… or not go ahead”, Zach nods, not sure if he got the point but it made sense to him.

“What are you thinking about?”, he asked her, suddenly interested.

“If silence is really as good as I always thought.”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought that when silence helps you sometimes, it may help if you are silent yourself. But I'm not so sure about that anymore. Sometimes I think you can't be quiet you have to say something. But still so that it stays silent.”

“That sounds ... impressive.”, Zach admitted, after he thought about a minute over the words.

“Thank you”, she smiles, and then got her phone out of her pocket and looked at it. She frowned. “I have to go”, she got up from the bench.

“It was nice to talk to you”, she held her hand out in front of him. “Give me your phone I want to give you my number”, Zach was stunned for a moment, but did as she told.

When she returned it to him and was about to leave, she said “I hope you have time next weekend so I can show you something.”


	3. Chapter three

**_If you are going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill_ **

“Where are we going?”, Zach looked at Henlee, who was behind the wheel and driving somewhere with him. He had asked the question almost every minute in the last hour, but he never got a correct answer. At first Henlee said that it was a surprise and now she no longer replied to him. The two had written a lot of messages over the past week after Zach had told her he had time at the weekend. Zach thinks she's nice, she answers politely and sometimes a bit mysteriously. That made her very interested, he thought. It is different from the girls he had ever met.

Chloe was great, she was always there for him, totally nice and beautiful. Jess on the other hand is a super strong and ambitious woman who is not afraid to say something and to give her opinion. They have both developed into what they are today in the past two years and they have fought hard for it. For that he admires the two.

But Henlee is different. She is nice too, she doesn't talk a lot, she's more of a quiet person. Sometimes he feels like she has her own world in her head where she dips from time to time. Every now and then he got a sarcastic saying as an answer and then he had to think of Alex every time. _Fuck Alex._

In the last week, Henlee was able to give him the distraction he needed. Alex has still not answered him to this day and he does not know whether to worry or be afraid. Zach doesn't know what to do, this is a situation he has no experience of, in which he doesn't know what to do. He has no clues to cling to. He could talk to Alex's parents again, but they, too, had made it clear that they didn't want him to be involved. Maybe he should really ask his friends, he can't imagine that nobody knows anything.

“What’s wrong, you’re quiet”, he suddenly heard from Henlee next to him.

“Just… thinking”, he tried not to go into the subject further, hoping she would leave it at that.

“You can talk to me”, she glanced at Zach briefly before turning her eyes back to the streets.

“Like I said, it’s complicated”

“Then don't make it complicated”

“Why should I tell you, you don’t tell me anything either”

“That’s a point”, she signed.

Suddenly she turned from a country road into a forest path. Zach was skeptical about what the two were supposed to do in such a remote place and slowly got doubts. He actually doesn't know this girl at all. Before he could say anything, she parked the car.

“We are there”, she got out of the car. Zach followed her action and looked straight into a large, old house. It could be a kind of old farm house, only without a farm anymore. Around the house was a dense forest that shone in its most beautiful colors.

“What are we doing here?”

“I'll explain that to you inside.”, she wrapped her bag around her shoulder and headed for the house. Zach quickly grabbed his bag from the car and quickly followed her. When they were both in the house, they were in a large living room.

Zach was amazed, the decor was old but in good condition and it was beautiful. There was a huge sofa with two armchairs and a TV wall. There was an older fireplace in one corner and a large bookcase on the other. Further down he could see a staircase that would probably lead to the upper floor.

“Why are we here?”, he asked again. As nice as it is, he wants to know why he is here.

“Please… take a seat”, Henlee replied and drops her bag to the floor. Zach sits down on the sofa and drops his bag next to his feet. He looks at Henlee as she takes a seat next to him.

“I think I know what you’re thinking about all the time”, she looks him straight into the eyes.

“What?”, he frowns “I doubt that you do”

“No”, she shakes her head. She takes a deep breath. “You’re thinking about your friend Alex, right?” Zach's eyes widened and he unconsciously held his breath. He felt his heart start to beat faster, he felt his pulse pulsing in his ears.

“H…How?”, he cleared his throat, his mouth was dry, his voice failed. “How… How do you know?”

“I know that you’re friends… But that doesn’t matter right now.” She runs a hand trough her hair, brushes some behind her ear. “He’s here. He’s actually next door. That’s why I brought you here.”

Zach was in shock, he wanted to ask so many questions, he wanted to yell at her, why didn't she say something before, wanted to run away because he couldn't believe it but most of all he wanted to go to the room next door to make sure that Alex is really in there. But he couldn't talk.

“Bevor you have any questions, he’s fine… well maybe not fine but he’s safe here.”

“Safe?”, Zach found his voice again, suddenly a tremendous anger flowed through him. “From what? You?”, he almost screamed. “Why is he here, do you have anything to do with the fact that he is missing?”

“No… Za”,

“Fuck, if this is a stupid game I swear Henlee”,

“Zach stop!”, she grabbed his hands but tore them away. He glared at Henlee and slid a little further away from her.

“I didn't do anything to him, I saved him. I brought him here to take care of him.”

“You saved him from what?”, he still didn’t believed her. He was impatient to know the answer, but Henlee only looked at him with big sad eyes. “Talk to me!”, he demaned.

“Okay!.... chill”, she replied. “He was held in a place a little further away. I got it by accident, it was an old building and I was suspicious of hearing voices and seeing lights. So I waited a little until a man came out and drove away with a car. I'm in and found him…”, she paused again. “They did bad things to him Zach. “

“What things?”, he breathed. His anger was suddenly gone, he could tell from her face that she wasn't lying to him. She radiated compassion and empathy, as if she had experienced something like this before.

“Abuse, violence, rape.”

„Wait stop!“ he was grabbed by Henlee's arm and stopped him from entering the room

„You need to know a few things bevor you go in“, she said sternly. She looked him straight in the eye. He couldn't say anything, just nod his head stupidly. He wanted her to say what she had to say quickly. He doesn't want to waste any more time than he already has.

„It is important that you listen to me carefully and stick to what I tell you okay?“ Again just a nod. „Seriously Zach it's important. You promise?“ „I.. I promise“

„Okay…look “, she brushed her hair behind her ear with one hand.

„You won't do anything he doesn't want. You don't touch him, you don't force him to say what happened, you keep your distance. You can ask him nicely, but be careful. He may not be the one you know. He is thin. But you‘ll see for yourself. He has a nasogastric tube and an infusion because he neither eats nor drinks enough. “She pauses. Oh my god.

“Because of the underweight, he has strict bed rest. Our goal is to make sure he moves as little as possible so that he doesn’t burn calories and gain weight.”

„I will come soon to probe his food. But take your time“, with that she goes and leaves him alone.

Zach tried to swallow a chunk that had suddenly formed. He is afraid. After Alex shot himself in his head, he was sure he had seen him at his worst. After coma and during recovery. But now he was no longer sure.

He opens the door quietly and slowly. Perhaps to give him a little more time to prepare for what he will see in a moment. Or not to scare Alex. It feels like he's playing with a shard of glass that can hurt him at any moment. When he was in the room, he closed the door exactly as he opened it. He takes a moment to orientate himself in the room. It wasn't a big room. In the corner opposite the door is a desk on which he can see a kind of folder. A shelf with various medicines hangs over the desk. On the left on the wall is a long work surface with various medical utensils. There is a bed next to the desk. It is not an ordinary bed but one like the ones available in the hospital. Next to the bed comes the wall, where is a wardrobe and next to that there is a second door.

With slow steps he makes his way to bed. He uses the light from the desk lamp to better look at the person in bed. The curtains are drawn. He holds his breath again when he realizes that it is Alex lying in the bed.

Zach only sees Alex's face, the rest is covered by a large, thick blanket. He is asleep. His hair is much longer, it falls right under his eyes and over the ears. His face shows how thin Alex is. His cheekbones are clearly visible. The skin is pale and there are dark circles under his eyes. The nasogastric tube is attached to the nose with plasters. It leads over the cheek and over the ear back to the neck, where it disappears under the blanket. The nasogastric tube is also attached to the cheek with plasters.

He sees different systems of hoses coming out from under the blanked. He can see that one is the infusion. The other leads to a large monitor over the bed. Only now is he realizing the steady beeping. Probably his heartbeat. This situation, this picture of Alex in front of him reminds him too much of the time when he was in coma.

Normally, Zach always felt happy and comfortable when he is with Alex. It felt right to be with him. Now he doesn’t. It all feels surreal, as if he's in a parallel world. He has the need to run, to throw up and to flood his senses with alcohol. But he ignores the feeling. He has to be here. He has to be strong for Alex. But he is also afraid.

He takes another deep breath and grabs the chair behind him to sit down, never taking his eyes off of Alex. He sits right next to the bed, hears his Heartbeat. He is glad Alex is alive. He doesn‘t even notice that he let out a small whisper „Shit Alex“ and he doesn‘t noticed the tears falling from his eyes.

Zach also doesn't know how much time has passed, when he sits quietly next to Alex and lets the tears fall just as quietly down his face.

Suddenly he hears the heart beat a little faster, at the same time Alex turns on his side and a hand comes out of the blanket to brush his hair from his face.

Zach looked him straight in the face when Alex opened his eyes, and Zach hoped that those ocean eyes would still shine. Those beautiful blue eyes in which he lost himself every time. But Alex's eyes were blank. Zach looked into empty, gray and sad eyes. He feels his heart break.

„Zach?“, Alex voice was low. Almost inaudible. And yet connected with so much pain.

„He..Hey Alex“, Zach cried. He didn't want that. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, then slowly reached out to take Alex's hand in his. But then quickly pulled away, remembered Henlee's words. **_„You don‘t touch him“_**

„I..I‘m... fuck.. I‘m so sorry. I.. I don‘t know what to say.. I‘m just so fucking mad that I coulnd‘t help you. That I couldn’t save you“

„It‘s not your fault“ Alex whispers. A tear rolling down his face. „I‘m glad you‘re here“

Zach couldn’t hold anything back anymore. Slowly he put his hand on Alex's cheek and wipes the tears away with his thumb. He keeps an eye on Alex's face all the time if Alex shows any signs of pain or discomfort. Alex leaned into the touch, closed his eyes for a moment, bevor he frowned and pulled his face back. He can’t Zach touch him like that. He can’t do that to Zach. As much as he would love him to, as much as he longed for it. He couldn’t. He is _dirty._

“Shit..I’m sorry”, of course Zach noticed. Alex shakes his head. He does not need to apologize. Alex throws the cover aside. Suddenly he feels to warm, he feels like the covers around his body pushes his air away.

He feels uncomfortable that Zach sees his thin body. He wasn't satisfied with his body before. Too thin, not enough muscle, not tall. His thighs are emaciated. Just like the rest of his body. He saw it and he can feel it. His loose sweatpants and his long-sleeved shirt make him look even more fragile than he already feels.

He sits on the edge of the bed, paying attention to all the cables that are attached to his body. He didn’t know what to say. He assumes that Zach doesn't know either. Alex sees the familiar look in him that people gave him when he was discharged from hospital. The gaze that shows miserable pity, which expresses not knowing what to say or do. _Except, of course: I'm sorry._ It makes him sad to see this look at Zach. It makes him sad to see this look at Zach. He was the only one who didn't treat him like glass. Apparently, there is a difference between shooting yourself in the head and being kidnapped for months.

Alex points at the monitor above the bed. “It monitors my heartbeat.”, he explained to Zach. Zach on the other hand is grateful Alex is even talking to him. When he couldn’t. And he hates himself for that. It does not matter that it is out of context. He takes his eyes off of Alex and looks at the monitor. He raised an eyebrow.

“Henlee said, that if you do not eat or drink properly, that your body does not have enough energy to work properly. And the heart needs the energy to pump all the blood through your body. And that it is normal, that the heart rate drops when you are sleeping because you are relaxed. But if you don’t have enough energy, the heart is weaker and your heart rate can drop dangerously deep when you sleep. If that's the case, an alarm comes and I it annoys me every time”, Alex explained. He didn’t look Zach in the eyes while he was talking. He looked at the monitor all the time. But Zach couldn’t get his eyes off of Alex.

“I get my food through this crappy tube”. He holds the tail in the air for demonstration. “Because I can’t eat” He points to the IV pole. “It runs all the time because I can't even drink a fucking glass of water.”, Alex gets frustrated, even slightly angry. But Zach leaves him. He thinks it's a good thing that he processes what happened through emotions. “I can’t even walk anymore without help!”, he almost screamed. His face turned from pale into red. “I’m a fucking piece of shit again!”, now he jelled. He didn’t jell directly at Zach he stares all the time at the monitor. It starts to beep faster. That’s when Zach decided to step in. “Woah, Alex calm down”, he grabs Alex's shoulders, his voice calm. “Fuck NO!”, this time he screamed.

He pulls himself out of Zach's hands and knocks them away. “Everything I've worked for is gone. I’m more fucked up than I was when I survived that shitty headshot. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I'm haunted by crappy nightmares. Look at my pathetic body!”

“Alex… calm down.. I know you have been trough hell bu..”

“You don't know what I had to go through!” this time he shouted right in his face.

“You don’t know what I’m going through now…You don't know what it feels like to be locked up for months.. You don't know what it feels like to see nothing because your eyes are blindfolded…You don't know what it feels like to be beaten a thousand times”, his screaming grew less and less until he started crying.

“You don't know what it feels like to be naked all the time..you..yo..you don't know what it feels like t..t..to be a toy that can always be used whenever h..he..”, Alex started sobbing. He couldn’t speak anymore. Many memories come back, the pain, the feeling of being used, the feeling of feeling dirty.

Zach could no longer sit still. It was hard for him to hear all these things. Especially of the person with whom he has survived so much shit together. Of the person he loves most, and even if he has not realized it, of the person he fell in love with.

Zach sits on the edge of the bed next to Alex and takes the fragile, crying, and frustrated boy in his arms. He doesn't care that Henlee told him not to. He needs it now. And he thinks Alex needs it to. He pulls him to his chest and runs a hand through the long, thick hair. He begins to stroke circles on his back and feels the spine, every single bone. He starts whispering sweet nothings in Alex ear. A try to calm him down, while trying to stop his own tear.

After a while Alex calmed down but remains in Zach's arms and shows no signs of feeling uncomfortable.

“You are right I don’t know how all of that feels”, Zach started. He waits a few minutes.

“And I don’t know what you have been through… I just can imagine what how hard it is for you. And I know, that you are not a piece of shit.” He heard Alex snort. He pressed Alex closer to him and rested his head on Alex's. Alex felt calm. It almost felt like he was safe, a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time.

“And I know that you don’t have to go through this alone. I will be by your side. I will go through this with you. You don’t have to survive hell alone.”, he pauses.

“We are better together than apart, remember?”. He felt Alex nod, Zach smiles. “You are not alone… We've both gone through hell together before and we will do it again…We just have to keep going ”, he pushes Alex away slightly to look him in the eye. He looks tired, his eyes red and swollen. His face is pale again, but he can see a very tiny smile on his lips.

When Alex pointed out that he was getting tired, Zach let go and Alex went back to bed.

He snuggled into his blanket and closed his eyes. Zach stops for a minute, tries to save the relaxed expression on his brain. When he was about to leave the room, he heard a tired voice.

“I read your messages”, Zach turned around. “I got my phone back a couple of days ago. I was too scared to reply. I'm not sure it's still the case” Zach smiled and bevor he went out of the door he replied. “It's never been different”


	4. Chapter four

**Life belongs to the living, and those who live must be prepared for change. ~ Goethe**

After Zach closed the door behind him, he had to take a deep breath. When Henlee told him what happened, he felt like his stomach was spinning. Now he felt like he was going to throw up. His head hurts, it pounds with every movement. He does not know whether it is due to the many tears or whether his brain cannot handle the situation just experienced.

Fuck, they have been through enough. They have gone through this shit bevor. He cannot see how another friend of his has to live with the aftermath of a rape. Fuck, not just rape but also abuse, humiliation and anorexia. He cannot deal with this situation. Especially with the fact that it's Alex who had to go through all this shit. The boy with the most beautiful smile, with the most beautiful eyes, with the greatest hope that the future will bring happiness. It’s all gone. And _It. Breaks. His. Fucking. Heart._ He can’t stop crying.

He makes his way through the living room, which connects to the dining room with an arch passage. There is also a large dining table at which easily can eight people sit. When you cross the room, you get to an old dark wooden door. When Zach opened the door, he discovered the kitchen.

“Close the door”, Henlee said, when she saw him coming in. Zach quickly steps into the room and closes the door.

He smells smoke, and when he looked over at Henlee, he saw her sitting on the windowsill with the window open.

“You smoke?”

“Obviously”, she replied. Henlee takes a pull from the cigarette.

“Why don't you smoke outside?”, he wrinkles his nose and waves some smoke away from his face with his hand. Henlee shrugs.

“It is not good for your health”, Zach's tone was serious. Fuck, he sounded like a mother. A few months ago, he poisoned his liver himself.

“A lot of things I do are not good for my health.”, she flicked the cigarette out of the window and slid down the windowsill. “So”, she crossed her arms. “I heard your talk with Alex went well”.

Zach snorted, sat down at the table on the wall. Compared to the other rooms, the kitchen is small. “If you think crying and screaming count to well, then yes”

“Seriously Zach, that’s important. You got more out of him than I ever did”, Henlee furrowed her forehead and raised an eyebrow, Zach rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t easy… it was pretty tough.”

“Give him time, it's not easy for him either”

“Yeah… I know… it's difficult for me to deal with it. I mean, I feel like I left him alone again, like I let him down. I didn't help him I should have got the idea beforehand that something was wrong.”, Zach put his face in his hands.

“Zach you are not to blame.”

“So... is this your home?”, he tries to change the subject. He does not want to talk about it. Not now. He needs air. He looks around the room.

“Yeah...” Zach almost didn’t hear it she spoke so quietly.

“Why do you live outside, all alone in the forest?”

“I like the silence, remember?”, she shrugged it off. Zach raised an eyebrow. But then a much more important question came to his mind.

“Why did you bring Alex here and not to a hospital?”

“He didn’t want to go to the hospital”

“Why didn’t you call the cops?”

“He didn’t want to”

“He didn’t want to?”, he asked incredulously. “He didn’t want to tell his parents?”

“No, he can’t tell his parents”

“How can you say something like this, his parents are worried sick! We actually should call the..”

“Jesus, Zach! Could you please drop this? He’s here, he’s alive, he’s save! I take care of him” Henlee almost screamed. Zach was stunned. Why can't anyone know where Alex is and what happened to him? How could she be so selfish and ignore that his family and friends were worried about Alex.

“You just can’t keep him here and pretend to everyone that he’s still missing. Didn’t you heard what I said? His parents are worried!”

“I am not selfish and I do not pretend that he is missing. He will see his parents”

“When?”

“I can’t tell yet”

“You can’t tell yet?”, Zach scoffed. “What’s this bullshit all about? He needs to be home, he needs his parents and his friends to support him trough all the pain and suffering. He’s save there!”

“How so?”, Henlee shot back. 

“Because right now he needs to have the people around him who love him and care about him and not some random girl he doesn’t even know.”

“A week ago, you didn't even know he was missing and I see how all his friends are _worried_ about him. When was the last time you talked to each other?”, she scoffed back, she was getting angry that Zach blamed her, even though she was just trying to help.

“That’s not the point. It is normal to live apart. But they are still his friends. If they would know what happened and where he is, they all would be here!” Zach tried to be as authentic as possible. He knows that if they knew what happened, they would all be here. They promised each other, that they would stick together.

“I can see that”, was all Henlee replied. Zach couldn’t believe her. What was wrong with this woman?

“I can text them, right now!”, he quickly takes his cell phone out of his pocket for clarification.

“No, stop this Zach”, Zach couldn’t believe her. What was wrong with this woman?

“You contradict yourself, are you even listening to yourself?”, Henlee frantically rubbed her hair and paced the room once. This conversation is going in a completely wrong direction “I know… look”, she stared but Zach cut her off.

“Why do you help him? And why can’t he go home? Why can't our friends know about it?”

“He’s not safe at home.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Because whoever kidnapped him is still out there. Whoever that is, knows for sure where he lives, knows which college he goes to and knows who his friends are”, Henlee explained. She tries to explain it as simply as possible so that Zach stops asking questions. She can understand that he is overwhelmed with this situation, maybe angry, frustrated and exhausted.

“And why aren’t we just calling the cops? They’re supposed to take care of such things”

“I told you, Alex do not want that. Calling the police means they need evidence and we have no evidence, which in turn means that he has to go to the hospital. And I don't think the police do anything without solid evidence.”

“So… what’s the plan, Sherlock?” Henlee rolled his eyes at Zach's sarcasm. She tries to base herself. Hopefully she can clear up the whole situation soon.

“The plan is, that you stay here for a while and take care of Alex. There’s summer break, soon right? _Wait what?_ He is going to take care of Alex?

“And what about you?”

“I have something to take care off. And, I can’t tell you.“

“So, you brought me here to take care of Alex?”

“No, dumbass.”, she laughed slightly.

“Then why am I here? I thought nobody should know about this”

“You’re here because Alex told me to bring you here”, she smiles. She'd seen them together in high school in the hall now and then. She thought it was great that Zach especially supported him after he tried to commit suicide.

“He did?”, Zach suddenly remembered what Charlie told him the one day, that Alex broke up with the football player because of him.

“Would you do that for me? Stay here and take care of Alex?”

“Of course”, he didn’t even need to think about that. “ I only do this for Alex”, he added.

“I know I ask a lot from you and I know that everything sounds strange to you. And I know it's difficult to trust someone you don't know. But you have to believe me and somehow trust me. And if you can't, do it for Alex. He trust’s me.” Zach's heart automatically starts racing.

Actually, he can't imagine Alex trusting someone he does not know. It is even more unimaginable for him after Alex had to go trough hell. Alex doesn’t trust people so easily. Bevor he even got the chance to say something, Henlee spoke again.

“Zach, sometimes life is not easy. We never know whether the decisions we make are correct or not. But our lives change every day. What is today can be different tomorrow. We just have to live with that and get along with it… It’s not easy.”

She looked at her phone. “I have to check on Alex. You should come with me so I can show you what to do.” Zach nods and stands up and follows her to Alex room. 


	5. Chapter five

**“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.” ~ Helen Keller**

When Zach woke up the one morning, the sun was shining and he could hear the birds chirping. This is the first day without Henlee. Summer break started yesterday and he told his family that he is staying at a friends house further away from home. He got up and had to stretch his body. The couch wasn't too uncomfortable, but he still couldn't sleep well. He feels ten years older.

He made his way to the kitchen for coffee. Maybe he should make Alex a coffee too? The boy loves coffee in the morning. He can at least try. As he was about to start, he saw a small note on the kitchen counter.

_ “Stay easy on him, okay? I’ll be back in a few days. Don’t let anyone know where you are ~ Henlee” _

Zach shock his head, he looked at the note in his hand for a few minutes. Her writing was ornate and large. The letters flowed into each other and he had to read it twice to be able to decipher everything. He crumples up the note and throws it away. Zach rolls his eyes. He definitely will not let Henlee decide if he is telling somebody or if he’s not. He doesn’t know right now, he will talk about this with Alex and then they should decide together.

He makes two bugs of coffee and makes his way to Alex’s _“room”._ He slowly opens the door and lets his gaze wander over to the bed. He smiles slightly when he sees Alex is awake and typing on his phone. “Hey”, Zach slowly made his way over to Alex. Light rays of sunshine shine through the half-open curtains.

When Zach put the coffee cups on the bedside table and sat on the bedside, he looked over at Alex and saw a slight smile on his face. “Morning”, said Alex. His hair is disheveled from the night.

“I made coffee for you”, Zach pints at the coffee at the bedside table. Alex wrinkled his nose. Henlee arranged his infusion in the morning, she said the access must be renewed. She promised him that he would not need a new one if he tried to drink one and a half liters a day.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing”, Alex replied. He wasn’t sure if he could drink that much. But he needs to. He slowly put his hand around the cup and drinks a little sip. The hot coffee feels unusual on his tongue, the taste is different than anything else he has had in his mouth in the past few months. It tastes good. The coffee reminds him of the good times in Monets. It was difficult for him to swallow, he had to pull himself together. If he concentrates and keeps in mind that it is just coffee or just water, he is confident that he can drink normally again. Sometime. Maybe. Alex feels Zach staring at him. It makes him nervous. He quickly puts the cup back and lies back down.

Zach continues to look at him. Not because he wants to control that Alex drinks. (Of course, he has to make sure that Alex gets well again) But because Zach gets lost every time when he looks at Alex. Those big blue eyes, his pretty nose, his lips. God, those lips. He couldn’t believe, how anyone, could add such damage, how anyone could be so cruel.

When he realizes that he is staring, he clears his throat. “I’m sorry. Is it good?”, he nods at the coffee.

Alex nods “Yeah… just hot” and grabs the cup again.

They sat a few minutes in comfortable silence. Both are lost in their own thoughts.

“So…”, Zach started when he finished his coffee. He takes a glance into Alex cup. It’s half empty.

“Maybe we should get you out of this bed. Do you know how to turn that off?”, he nods at the monitor.

“I'm not allowed to get out of bed except to go to the bathroom”

“Well… good thing I’m in charge”, Zach smiles

“In charge?”, Alex raised an eyebrow. “Oh… you know. I have to say what we eat and what we watch on TV and when you have to go to bed. So, don't upset me.”, Zach tries to joke, but Alex seemed unaffected.

“I know what in charge means Zach. But I’m not a little kid… but I guess I need to take a shower anyway. You have to press the round button.”, so Zach did. Alex removed the cable from the monitor with the electrodes attached to his body. He mobilizes himself to the edge of the bed and when he was about to get up, Zach jumped to his side.

“In case you need help.”

“Yeah… I probably do”. When he was standing on the floor with both legs, it took a moment to catch himself. Slight dizziness came over him and he tried to find his balance. Zach didn’t step in. He tries to let Alex do the most himself. “I’m just going to catch you, if you fall”.

“Always a gentlemen”, Alex slowly made his way to the bathroom. The limp is almost as clear as in the beginning where Alex still had the cane.

All the way to the bathroom he didn't even lose his balance once. He has to concentrate and it is exhausting, but he managed. “Thanks”, he turns to Zach. “Can you bring me fresh clothes?”. Zach nods.

When Alex has everything he needs, Zach waits in the Bedroom, so Alex can shower alone. They agreed that the door would stay open a little so that Zach could hear if Alex fell or something like that. Alex just rolls his eyes but agrees. He feels like he is thrown back to two years ago. But this time everything’s just more fucked up.

When he looks in the mirror, he no longer recognizes himself. The hair is too long, his face to thin. Slight beard stubble is visible. The blue in his eyes replaced by bright gray, which reflect the world around him. He takes the razor and shaves off the beard. He couldn't reach some places because of the probe. He didn’t care, he looked like shit anyway.

He starts to slowly undresses himself. He still can’t stand the view of himself. It is hard for him, taking off his clothes.

He begins with the sweater, pulls it over his head, reveals his torso. He felt sick when he could see his ribs clearly. His shoulders and collarbones stood out clearly. His arms were all bone, no muscle mass left. He runs his hands over his body. Starting with his chest, he runs his hands over his ribs. Runs his thumb over every rib he feels.

Slight hematomas were still visible on the chest. He remembers the kicks and blows that partially took his breath away. They made him gasp for breath. He puts his hands on his flat stomach. His eyes wander automatically to his arms, they’re all bone, no muscle mass left.

He takes a closer look at his right upper arm and froze when he saw the injury. He almost forgot. Tears automatically form again when he can read the word "faggot" on his arm. The wounds have healed, but there will be a scar.

_He remembers that he was lying on a thin mattress, naked. His entire body ached, he couldn't move, he felt dirty when he felt the sperm slowly flow out of him and down between his legs. Alex was breathing hard. He no longer knows how often he had abused him today, at some point he forgot to count. Because of the blindfold, he has lost all sense of time, he does not know what day it is, he does not know how late it is and he does not know how long he has been here._

_He is lying on his stomach with his head to one side and his arms tied behind his back. He stuck his mouth with tape._

_“Ahhhh… this was a goooood”, Alex winced at the voice. He heard how heavy footsteps found his way to him, felt the mattress give way under the weight, and how his hair was roughly pulled._

_“And I know you'll be begging for more. You dirty little bitch!”, Alex felt a few drops of saliva spat on his face. He tried to say something, but failed. “I see, you already are”, Alex could hear the sick smile. The tape was torn from his mouth. He holds back a painful cry, tries to stay strong. “What do you want to say boy”, he was grabbed by the neck by a big hand and pulled up a bit of the mattress. “Go fuck yourself! You’re a fucking rapist!”, he growled._

_Right after that, he felt a punch on his face, which made him fall back on the mattress._

_“Uh..uh… Alex… didn’t your parents teach you some manners?”, he heard him laugh. “I think I should give you a reminder, of who you are…” He sat with one knee on his back, pressed Alex on the mattress. His hands were released and he was powerfully turned on his back. Before he could react, he was pressed onto the mattress again by one knee. “And who you always are going to be”_

_His left arm was pinched under his back, the right arm was pressed next to him on the mattress. Suddenly he felt a burning pain. He couldn't stop his screams. “You are a dirty little faggot, and this will always remind you”. Alex felt something scratching his skin, the warm blood running down his arm. “Please… STOP!”, he whined. But he didn’t._

_After a few minutes, the weight on his chest was gone. Soft tears streamed down his face, which led to sobs._

_He just lay there all he could do was cry and lie there. His entire body felt numb, his arm was on fire. At some point the tiredness took over and he fell asleep. He never wanted to wake up again._

He wished he could forget what happened. He started to cry in silent, do not want to Zach notice his state. He couldn’t handle a sad Zach. Shit, Alex does not even want Zach to seem him like _that._ He’s disgusting, he’s dirty. He knows, and Zach thinks like that probably too. He’s just nice and sweet to him, because he is _Zach_. He is still his best friend but nothing more. Shit, he didn’t even know how Zach felt until he read these messages a while ago. But Zach wasn’t in love with this boy. He was in love with the old Alex, the one who was so broken at first but then grow so strong. Who finally, saw the world in all its diversity, who finally understood the beautiful and the good. The one who had hope for a good future. Alex does not know this boy anymore he feels like everything has changed. 

He put his hands on the rubber band of the sweatpants. He didn’t want that. _You will feel better_ he tells himself. _You won’t feel dirty_ _anymore,_ that’s what they always say, right?

He closes his eyes and pushes his pants and his underwear down. He feels how the cold air envelops him. The well-known tremor, the well-known feeling of defenselessness, humiliation and pain come up. The tears are falling from his eyes, he tries to stay quiet. Knowing that would come in immediately when he hears him cry. So, he swallows the tears and no longer makes a sound. In order not to have to endure himself any longer, he goes into the shower. He washes his body without looking at it. The shower is quick, he doesn't want to be naked longer than necessary.

He dries off and puts on his clothes. This time it is a pair of pants and a long-sleeved shirt with a sweat jacket. He feels better now. When he reached the door and walks into the bedroom, Zach stands up from the bed and comes to meet him. “You good?”, he asks. Alex nods, slowly making his way over to Zach. “I’m feeling better”, he admits.

He hides the tears and how difficult it was for him. “Great”, Zach smiles. “Want some breakfast?” Alex nods again, even though he knows that he probably can't eat anything. Together they sit down at the large dinning table. Zach gets Alex another Coffee and cocks them some pancakes. Zach always used to make breakfast for the two of them every time he was staying over at Alex and when his parents where both at work when they get up. 

When Zach sat down with two plates and pushed one over to Alex, Zach was probably looking at Alex a little too hopefully. Alex felt bad, it was uncomfortable that Zach tried so hard. He’s not worth it. Alex looked at Zach, who started eating and wasn’t looking at him anymore.

Alex picked up a fork and knife and cut himself a piece. He slowly leads the piece to his mouth, but couldn't bring himself to open it. _It’s just food!_ He tries to remind himself but that didn’t help. He can feel himself starting to panic. His breathing becomes more irregular and faster and his hands start to tremble. He hastily drops the fork, which falls onto the plate with a loud clink.

Zach looks up at him somewhat startled, he wanted to say something, but when he noticed Alex irregular breathing and the trembling hands, he decided to sit down next to Alex and take his trembling, cold hands in his. He does not speak, he whispers quiet “schhh…”, “it’s okay”, and waits till Alex calmed down. After a few minutes he hears a soft whisper "I'm sorry.”

Zach stroked the back of Alex's hand with his thumbs. “You need to stop apologizing. Everything’s fine.”

“I’m s..”, Alex stopped. He looked up to Zach who tries a small smile.

“You can talk to me, you know. You can tell me what is going trough your head.” Zach offers. He squeezes his hands in his before slowly releasing them and running a hand through his hair.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Yeah… I probably wouldn’t. But I am a good listener. And I want to be there for you”

“Why? I’m a fucking piece of shit! I’m dirty, I’m broken. Why are you even here? Go home and find someone who is fucking perfect. I’m not worth it”, Alex spat. Zach’s heart broke. _What the hell?_

“Alex stop talking like that!”, Zach’s voice got a little louder than he wanted and Alex looked shocked at him. “Look”, he calmed his voice. “You’re not a piece of shit. It’s not you fault, that this happened.”, Zach lays one hand gently on Alex cheek, slowly stokes the skin under his eyes. “You are the strongest person I know. You are worth more than anything.” Alex faces heats up. He can feel the tears forming in his eyes.

“No, I’m not”, his voice is trembling.

“C’mon Alex”

“I do not want to talk about it anymore, okay?”, Alex pushes Zach’s hand away which was still on his cheek. “Just… finish your breakfast”, Zach looked at Alex for a minute, he didn’t know what to say but he eventually agreed at ate his breakfast in silence. Alex didn’t look at him once, he looked down on his hands.

A few minutes later, Zach got up and cleared both plates. Alex heard the tinkling in the kitchen and how cupboards were opened and closed. A few seconds later, Zach came back, this time with the tube food and a large syringe in hand.

“Do you know how to do it?”, Alex nodded. He saw this so many times when Henlee probed his food. Zach put the utensils down in front of Alex and sat down next to him without saying a word. Alex understood and gave himself the food, explaining to Zach what Henlee had shown him.

After that was done, Alex complained that he was tired again and wanted to sleep again, but Zach said he should rather spend some time outside the bed so they both made themselves comfortable on the sofa. Zach found some random movie and started it. After a few minutes, he could hear Alex lightly snore.

Once again he caught himself running a hand gently through Alex's hair and whispering softly “We’re doing this together”, a puts his hand away.

Zach also closed his eyes and tries to not to think for a minute.


	6. Chapter six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I had a lot of things going on latley but I never forgot this story   
> and I will definitely work more actively on it again.
> 
> Hope you like it. :)

**The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us. ~ Ashley Montagu**

Zach tries to focus on the film him and Alex are watching. They are now a well-coordinated team and have got used to the circumstances. It has been three weeks since Zach has "lived" in the house.

Henlee came back twice, had brought groceries and always left a lot of money in case they needed anything. Nevertheless, she had emphasized that Zach should only go to a certain supermarket and should rather buy more than a few things. She had also stopped at Zach dorm to bring him some clothes, the same she did for Alex.

Whenever Zach asked her what she had to do all the time, she always promised him that she would tell him soon. To be honest, Zach no longer knows how long he will be able to keep this whole game going. He still has to lie to his family and it hurts him to behave like an asshole again but Zach knew his mother and if she found out about his situation, she would call the police immediately. And he can't do that to Alex.

Alex also wanted to give his family a sign of life so that they no longer have to worry. Due to the fact that his father is a police officer, Henlee had suggested that Alex write a letter, which she then throws into his parents' mailbox.

The fear was too big that Alex's father would try, through Alex's phone, to find out where he was right now. So Alex was no longer allowed to use his phone.

A lot has happened in the past three weeks. Together they give Alex his food through the tube. They always make sure that Alex reaches the prescribed number of calories and that he gets his food at regular times. Alex has gained almost four pounds during this time. He was happy and Zach was too, but he would prefer Alex to eat real food again, and not this -tube food-, like Alex likes to call it. -After all, he’s drinking normally again-, it’s what Zach tells himself every time. 

From time to time, Zach ignores the fact that Henlee still prescribed bed rest to Alex. They go for a walk in the forest behind the house when the weather is nice. Not too long and not too far away. They found a nice path with a bench and a small stream flowing along it, on which they always sit and let the beautiful nature work on them.

The walks helped Alex to be able to walk on his own to some extent. Every now and then he has to support himself on Zach's arm. As his former PT trainer, he knew that Alex stimulates his muscles through exertion and movement. More importantly, Zach knows exactly when it’s too much for him.

Through this ritual, Alex opened up a bit to Zach.

He tells him what happened to him. Of the rapes, the violence he had to feel every day, the humiliations he had to endure. He also tells him about the scar. Sometimes they cry, sometimes they both feel helpless, and sometimes Alex lets out all his frustration, all his anger, and hits a tree trunk with a branch.

Sometimes he screams, sometimes he swears and sometimes he cries. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes, but sometimes Zach watches half an hour as Alex processes his emotions.

Zach never said a word. He didn't have to either. Zach always waited until Alex ran out of strength or finished his emotional outbursts. Most of the time, Alex desperately threw the stick aside and dropped to the floor. Zach always waited for Alex to look over at him, and when he saw the slightly relieved expression, they went back to the house. Alex thanked him for that. He's grateful not to have to explain himself, he's grateful that he's not ashamed of his feelings in front of Zach.

Alex grew a little more affectionate over time. Not infrequently, he asked Zach in the evening if he would rather not sleep with him, Alex would feel saver and Zach could never say no. So they both squeezed into the small bed. And because Zach was very tall and his broad and muscular torso was not small, they lay close together in bed.

In the beginning it was a bit uncomfortable for both of them. Zach didn't know how he could touch Alex or not, whether he could cuddle with him at all. And Alex wasn't sure himself if he would feel comfortable with it.

But when they woke up the next morning, all worries were forgotten. Zach was on his side, his left arm wrapped around Alex's waist. Alex was on his back and his head nestled against Zach's chest. So cuddling was fine.

In general, neither of them could define the status of their relationship. They loved each other they knew that. But Zach had never dared to take a step more than friendship, in fear Alex would freak out.

But maybe he doesn't need a clear definition. He has gained Alex's trust, which makes him more than happy. He doesn't want to put pressure on the other boy, especially since he starts to deal with everything.

Now, both of them are lying on the sofa and watching a film. Well, Zach is watching the film, Alex has fallen asleep. Today was one of the days, where they were going for a walk and sat down at the bench after. He had his emotional outburst again, and these always takes it’s toll on him. Alex's head was on Zach's shoulder. Both are wrapped in a blanket. Zach hears Alex breathing regularly. He often woke up at night because Alex slept restlessly. Alex had nightmares before, so Zach knows how to calm Alex down. But he also knows how much they stole him his restful sleep.

Zach runs a hand through Alex's hair, now he looks like he did back then. Alex had complained about the length, saying -he looked like a girl-, so Henlee cut it for him. Zach figured out that this girl has some hidden talents.

Zach lay there a little bit longer and just looked at Alex.

His thoughts drifted off each time when he looked at Alex. And the more Alex told him what had happened to him, the more pictures came into his mind, imagined what might happened.

His sadness turned into ever stronger anger. He has to find out which asshole did that to him and he is sure that he will beat him to death. Before that he will get his reasons out of him, he wants to know why Alex, was its coincidence? Has that person seen Alex anywhere and found him attractive? Did the person thought Alex would be an easy catch? Or did he just grab the best and Alex was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

He takes deep breathes, trying to calm down.

He doesn't care what he has to do to find this guy. He doesn't care how long it can take and if it lasts until the end of his life. He has to find him and confront him and secretly also want’s to punch the shit out of this person.

When the film ended, he only noticed how late it was and decided that it was time to go to sleep. He considered waking Alex but quickly decided against it. Alex needs his sleep. Zach picked him up on his arms and carried him to his bed as quietly as possible. _Hopefully he won't wake up._

Fortunately, Alex slept so tightly that he didn't notice any of this. Zach put him in bed and covered him. He made sure that Alex was still asleep before running his hand through Alex's hair again.

When he wanted to go out of the room, he saw the letter Alex wrote for his parents. He considered whether or not to read it, wanting to give Alex his privacy. However, he was too curious. He took the letter in his hand.

_Hi Mom, Hi Dad,_

_I'm sorry you haven't heard from me for so long. I don't know how to explain what happened without worrying you even more. First and foremost, I want to tell you that I'm fine and that you don't have to worry anymore. I will tell you everything when I see you again. I can't write everything down._

_The only thing I can tell is that I was kidnapped, that he did cruel things to me. But please... Mom, Dad, do not worry. I was saved._

_I'm in a safe place but unfortunately, I can't tell you where I am. And I don't know when I'll be home. However, I look forward to hugging you again. And don’t worry…. Zach’s with me. I’m safe, because you know… he’s Zach. He wouldn’t be himself, if he didn’t care of me and take care about me._

_He helps me get better. Again. Physically and mentally, and I don't know how, but he always makes me feel better. That I feel loved. That I don't blame myself for not doing anything wrong. That’s not my fault all of this happened. And you know him… he’s Zach. I know you trust him. And I want to tell you, that he really cares a lot about me. Like more than friends. And I’m happy. I really am. I am not alone he’s always going to be by my side. It was always the two of us and I’d like to think that there’s always the two of us in the future. I hope you understand. But do not tell his mother, this has to be our secret._

_I hope I can see you guys soon. I miss you so much. Please don’t try to look for me Dad. I have to stay at this secret place, because I have the feeling something really bad could happen. And I think this is something I have to do without you._

_Just please be strong for Mom. I promise I will come home._

_Mom, Dad, I love you both. So much._

_~ Alex._

_P.S, say Peter I love him too._

_“I’m happy”,_ Zach repeated these words in his head. A big smile spread across his face. _“I’m happy too”,_ he thought. He looks at the letter again. Alex is the nicest person he has ever met and even during this time, he tries to take his parents' fear away. But Zach knows that Alex is the one who needs someone to take his fear away, and this is his job. He puts the letter aside and decided to sleep with Alex tonight.

He quickly changed into more comfortable clothes. He usually sleeps in underwear, but due to the situation, he puts on loose sweatpants. He quietly climbs into bed, being careful not to wake the smaller boy. When he lay down comfortably and closed his eyes, he heard a quiet, sleepy voice. “Zach?”. His eyes flew open and he sat up a bit to look at Alex’s tried blue eyes.

“Sorry… I didn’t want to wake you… you can go to sleep again. Everything’s fine”, he whispers, hopeful that Alex would fall asleep again.

“I’m… actually I’m awake now. Sorry”

“No. It’s fine”, Zach smiled. “But can we still lay down? Maybe you fall asleep again”, Zach turned on his side. He rested his head on his right arm.

“Yeah… sure”, Alex rubbed his eyes, then also moves his body, so he can face Zach better. “Are you tired?”

“Nah… it’s ok. We can talk for a bit if you want”

Alex nodded, thought about what to tell. He didn't always want to talk about this one topic. He was beginning to feel that this is the only thing they were talking about lately. It helps him, he doesn't want to deny that. However, he misses talking to Zach about everything and nothing, like in the old days.

Just as he was about to say something, he heard Zach's phone vibrate on his bedside table. They both raised an eyebrow, wondering who would write to him at this late hour. Zach put a long arm over Alex and reached for his phone. He was briefly blinded by the brightness his eyes had got used to the darkness in the room. After a brief minute of silence, Alex heard him whispering "Shit.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s Jess”, Zach replied. They both froze. “What does she want?”, Alex asked softly.

“She asks me if I know where you are. She spoke to your parents. She’s worried”, Alex holds his breath for a moment.

He doesn't want another person to worry about him. And as he knows Jess, she won't let go until she gets an answer from Zach. This girl is very persistent. Zach knows this, too.

“What will we do now? You know Jess, I have to answer her”

“You have to lie.”

“Why, she’s worried”

“So are my parents, and they aren’t allowed to know either”. Zach realizes from Alex's facial expression that he is serious.

“If I lie to her, she won't leave me alone until we do something to find you. You are aware of that, right?”, “I know”, Alex sighed. He chews his lower lip with his teeth. Zach knows, that’s a habit that shows that Alex is nervous.

“We should tell her the truth” but Alex shocked his head.

“Why not? Maybe she could help you. She went through the same as you”

“This is different.”, Alex frowned. -How could he compare this with Jess?-

“Yes,it is… but somehow not.”

“Fuck no”, Alex voice got a little louder. Zach hadn't expected that and flinched slightly. Shit, that was definitely not the reaction he wanted to get. “You can’t tell her, okay? I don’t want more people to know. And Henlee said that nobody should know anymore.”, he calmed down a bit. Hoping Zach got the point. Zach wanted to reply, but his phone in his hand started vibrating again. **_“Zach? You with me?”_**

“I understand, okay”, he looked at Alex. The other boy seemed uneasy and Zach didn’t believe the words he said. They may not have spoken much lately, but everyone knows they can rely on each other. Zach knows Alex well enough to know that the other boy would be happy to talk to someone who understands him, who knows exactly how he feels.

“But, fuck what Henlee said. Jess is our friend and we can trust her. We should trust her more than Henlee. We don’t know anything about her. Why do you trust her that much anyway?”, this is a question he wanted to ask for a long time, but it never felt like the right time.

“I think she understands me. But in a different way.”, Alex shrugged. He couldn’t say the exact reason, why he trusts her. Zach wouldn’t understand. He decided to give up before the whole thing got out of hand.

“You can tell her. But only her. And she’s not allowed to talk to anyone about this.”

“Really?”, Zach raised an eyebrow. Alex only nodded.

“I’m not doing this to annoy you..I”

“I know”

“I’m doing this because I think she really could help you. Even just by listening. But she can understand, way more better than I ever could. I love you, Alex. All I want is that you’re happy.” And there it was again. Alex felt his body automatically get warmer. The nice feeling in his stomach, what he feels in Zach’s present intensifies every time he hears these words. It makes him happy. A lot. He smiles.

“There’s the beautiful smile of yours I never can get enough of”, Zach smiles back, runs a hand trough his hair and starts typing on his phone. Alex suddenly couldn't hold back his emotions. On the one hand, he was the happiest person in the world, he knew that Zach loved him, but couldn't show him because Alex doesn't let him physically touch him. Or rather said, Zach does nothing but run through his hair for fear. Alex also doesn't know when he is able to Zach to touch him. When he gets rid of the thought that it is Zach and nobody else. That he is not abused, but loved.

Suddenly he remembers that during the time of his kidnapping, he was never forced to kiss his kidnapper. Sadly, the only thing he wasn't forced to do.

On the other hand, he wanted to show Zach how much he loved him. He cannot pronounce the magic three words as if there were a barricade. He does not why. He knew he could, if all of this didn’t happen. He knows that Zach understands and respects all of that. He does that for him. And Alex is sick of not being able to do anything, not showing any sign that he feels the same as Zach. He needs to show it, he’s sick of being afraid of Zach. Gosh, he knows him for so long. They shared so much together. He can’t believe how he is acting towards him, like he has to get to know Zach again.

He knows everything, knows his good and worst habits, he knows his favorite food, his favorite music, he knows _everything_. The boy does nothing but being sweet to him. All of sudden, his feelings take over as he suddenly sits up a little more and bends closer to Zach. The moment the bigger boy put the phone aside and wanted to tell him what he replied, Alex sealed his words with his mouth.

For a second, Zach was shocked. He didn’t expect this to happen. Not anytime soon at least. But then he let himself be guided by his feelings and closed his eyes. He put a hand on the back of Alex's head and pressed him a little closer to himself.

It wasn't a gentle kiss it was a little more energetic. Alex tried to convey as many emotions as possible. The kiss itself made his hands shake, he was so overwhelming.

When they parted they both looked deeply into each other’s eyes.

“Wow”, Zach breathed. Alex dropped back onto the bed but couldn't take his eyes off Zach. “Yeah… wow.”

“Where did that come from?”, Zach teased.

“I wanted to.”, Alex admitted. “That bad?”

“No… never. To good”, they both smiled. Zach put his hand over Alex’s.

“What about Jess?”

“I’m picking her up tomorrow”.

“Can you kiss me again?”, Zach asked shily. He wanted him to do it again. _He needs it._

Alex did.


	7. Chapter seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while but I hope theres still someone who likes to read this story :)

_~Hell is other people.~ Jean-Paul Sartre_

“Zach, please talk to me! Where are we going?”, Jessica begged as they drove several country roads. He picked her up from Evergreen an hour ago. Before that, he waited in the car at Alex house until both parents drove to work to push the letter under the door. For this he had put on a black hoody so no one would recognize him.

Ever since he picked up the girl, she's been holding him up with questions that he can't or won't answer in the car. “I’ll tell you when we are there”, was all he replied every time she asked something. Jessica was annoyed. Why couldn't Zach answer her? Why these secrets?

“Is Alex okay? Please talk to me”, she is desperate to get an answer. But Zach said nothing, he didn’t look at her once. She hasn't seen him so tense in a long time.

“Zach!”, she shouted. She couldn’t understand his behavior.

“Just wait, okay! We’re almost there”, Zach was nervous. He wasn’t so sure anymore if this was a good idea. He was afraid, maybe Jess would be mad for not telling her? Or telling anyone? She probably would, Zach was sure of that. What if she would call Alex Parents? What if she goes to the police? After all, he and Clay and the others more or less forced her to testify against Bryce. What if she would convince Alex too?

Half an hour later, Zach parked the car in front of the house. Jessica was surprised and amazed. Why did Zach take her to such a remote place?

“Where are we?”

“Let’s just go inside. I’ll explain everything then.”

Jessica nodded but hesitated to walk behind. This whole situation didn't look like Zach at all. She was a little afraid of what to expect in the house. When they were inside the house, they were standing in the middle of a large living room. Jessica looked around briefly, the decor was old but not ugly. When she let her gaze wander further, she suddenly saw a person sitting on the sofa, whom she had also not seen for a long time.

“Fuck, Alex!”, she smiled. With quick steps she crossed the distance to the other boy and closed him in her arms without saying anything else. Alex was frozen for a moment, but quickly calmed down. He closed his arms around Jess and pressed her closer to him. It felt so good to see her again.

“I missed you Jess”, he admitted. Not letting go of the girl.

“I missed you, too. Fuck, Alex what happened?”, she said and let go of him. Only now did she notice that Alex looked different. Much thinner than she remembered. She saw the tube emerging from his nose and attached to his face.

“Oh my god, Alex!” she exclaimed. Her eyes winded in shock. “What happened to you?”

Alex tried to suppress the tears that formed. He didn't want to cry right away,- it seems like it’s the only thing he is doing lately anyway- but when he saw Jess's startled and sad expression, he couldn't help it.

“I’m going to leave you both alone. Lay down for a bit… I have a slight headache from driving.”, Zach stepped in and excused himself. He wanted to give them some privacy, well aware of what they are going to talk about.

And they did. Alex tried to tell her everything that had happened. Something he hadn't talked about before was how he was kidnapped. He can't quite remember it. He was at a party after he broke up with Charlie. The parents of some girl whom he knows fleetingly from his classes were not at home over the weekend, so she took the opportunity. His two friends he met at college knew about his situation and wanted to change his mind. Alex told Jess that he broke up with Charlie because of Zach, he admitted he still had feelings for the bigger boy. That they never really left, there were just hidden deep inside him. Jessica looked shocked when she heard that Alex was no longer with Charlie. She liked the couple as lovers, they looked happy. Still, she smiled when Alex revealed his feelings for Zach. She had actually thought that Zach and Alex would become a couple during their last high school semester. There has always been this magic chemistry between the two.

Alex said that he didn't know many people at the party and he quickly realized that he would rather be in his bed. Then, after a few hours, when he went outside to get some fresh air, he was suddenly held from behind and a towel was pressed over his face.

Suddenly everything went black and when he woke up, he saw nothing. His eyes were blindfolded, he felt himself lying on a thin mattress, his hands tied behind his back. He quickly noticed that he was completely naked, and he was freezing through the cold air.

He was very scared and panicked. His heart was beating fast and he noticed that he was having a panic attack. He could feel himself about to go _out,_ could feel his TBI takes control of his body, of his mind. He had to make an effort to fight it.

When Alex started talking about it when his rapist abused him for the first time, he started to cry terribly. Jessica also cried, completely shocked by what she heard. She remembered her own rape, not a nice memory. However, she feels that Alex had to go through a lot more than she did.

He told how he felt afterwards. He was in pain, felt dirty, was afraid, felt miserable. He thought of his parents, his friends, what she would think of him if they saw him like that. Crouched on the mattress, the face red, from the many tears, sobs who leave his mouth uncontrollably. He could also feel something warm liquid flowing from his butt down his legs. He couldn't breathe, he felt alone.

At first it was very bad for him. He tried to defend himself every time, tried to kick, if he was not tied up, tried to hit him. He wanted to fight, he didn't just want to surrender, but at some point, he couldn't fight anymore. His body was getting thinner, the energy less and less. He lost. He just let everything go through him.

“I… I gave up, Jess”, he sobs. He wipes the tears from his face with his sleeve. “ I… I wanted t-to die.”, was all Alex said, when he finished. It hurt to remember. Hopefully he never has to do that again, but he also knows that talking should help. When he looks into Jessica's tear-streaked face, he knows that she understands him. That she can understand his feelings.

“Alex…fuck”, she tries to old back the tears. “I should have called you more… I didn’t know, if I would have cared mo..”

“Jess, stop!”, Alex interrupted. “It’s not your fault, okay”, he doesn’t want Jess to blame her. Jessica said nothing. She looked at Alex for a few more seconds before pulling him into her arms. She put her head on his shoulder and stroked his back. Now she only feels how thin Alex has become. It scares her. When they separated, she took Alex's face in her hands.

“You have to believe me, but you can't blame yourself for all of this. I know it's difficult at first, I didn't want to believe it either. And that you don't have to be ashamed of what happened.” She let go of his face and ran a hand through his hair.

“I know it's not easy and it will probably take some time, but you shouldn't hate yourself and especially not your own body. You mustn't let him chase you, you have to learn to love your own body again. You have to accept it as I had to learn it again.”, she smiled softly at Alex.

“It’s not that easy… I feel disgusting.”

“I know”, she signed. “You know what helped me?”, she asked, Ales shakes his head.

“I stood in front of a mirror and completely undressed in front of it. I had to see my body, had to touch, to feel it, to remind myself "Hey, it's your body and you only have this one, so love it damn it”, and it’s okay if you cry, or scream. I did too. It wasn’t easy, but you’ll have to try, and then you’ll success.”

“And don’t even start with disgusting. You are beautiful, you are an amazing person, Alex. You are loved. I love you. Your Parents love you, our friends love you. Never forget that.”, she smiled, Alex returned that smile. “Thank you for trusting me, you can always talk to me. Even if you just want to cry.”

“Thank you so much”, Alex gave her a quick hug. He felt a little bit better now, relieved to be able to talk everything off the soul. After a few minutes of silence, Jessica slid around on her seat. "So, Zach yes?" She giggled. "Yeah," he breathed out. He rolled his eyes when he saw the promising expression on his friend’s face. Not sure if he should tell her about their relationship or not.

“Yeah… you know. We’re a thing”

“A thing?”, Jess raised her eyebrow. “Alex, please do not rush anything”

“No, it’s fine. He’s good to me. Makes me feel, loved”, he blushes.

They talked for a while. Alex wanted to know how Jessica had been in the past few months. She talked about her classes and her "hand's off" organization, where she casually joked that Alex could join.

Justin is doing well in college. He has relatively good grades and also does a lot of sport to keep fit. He and Clay try to meet at their home every other weekend to see themselves again and their parents too. Since Clay is studying a little further away from them and has joined so many different groups, it is Justin who goes to bed with Jessica on Sunday evening and complains about his brother. Nevertheless, he smiles every time Clay tells him about the stupid organizations and wanted to convince Justin once that recycling in the future will be carried out by robots who also keep the streets clean. College is good for him, every one of them. They enjoy the new beginning.

They didn't know how long they had been talking when Zach suddenly came back into the living room. The hair is fuzzy and a little sleepy.

“Sorry”, he said, when he saw the two still talking.

“We’re done, you can stay.”, Zach nodded and sat on the old, large armchair across from the sofa.

“Are you both okay?”

“Never better”, Jessica smiled. She wanted to give Alex a break, she can see that the conversation from earlier pulls him down. He also looks a bit tired, so she turned to Zach.

“What is this place?”

“It’s Henlee’s home”

“Who’s Henlee?”, she frowned. Did she miss the Name?

“The girl that rescued Alex.” _Oh?_

“Shit, I forgot Jess”, Alex apologized. “She found me and brought me here. Since I didn’t want into a hospital. She helps me get better”, he pointed at the tube.

“It’s also the girl, who tells us not to tell anyone about this. Not even his parents.”, Zach’s tone was bitter.

“Zach…”, Alex sounded disappointed. “Sorry”, he mouthed.

“Wait a moment. You two are hiding here and don't tell anyone about it because a girl tells you not to?”

“Exactly”, “We told you”, the boys replied at the same time. Jessica was confused. “How dumb are you guys?”

“Look.”, Zach stepped in. “She takes care of Alex she tries to help him. She only accepted his wishes and Alex trusts her for whatever reason.”, Alex shot Zach a stern glance.

“She said the asshole is still out there, and there must be a reason why it was Alex of all people. She said he'll probably know where Alex goes to college and who his friends are. That's why we shouldn't say anything, that's why you shouldn't be here”, he continued.

“This is crazy! Alex should be at home with his parents who take care of him and who almost die of worry. Do they know, you’re okay?” Actually, there was no okay in this situation. However, Jess thinks that his parents at least deserve to know that he is currently safe and that he is still alive.

“They do. I wrote a letter”, Alex takes a deep breath. Maybe he should drop the cards on the table now and explain his real reasons for trusting Henlee.

“There’s something I haven’t told you guys.”, Alex looked at Zach and Jessica. Both with both with an anxious facial expression. _Was there something else?_

“The reason I trust her and why I think it's good to be here and not at home is because she believes me in a certain thing. I have never seen the man, but his voice seemed so incredibly familiar to me. I couldn't assign the voice for a long time, only that I definitely knew it from someone. One evening, when I was here in this house before Zach was here, I had an idea of who the voice could be. I told Henlee that the voice reminds me of a person who is actually no longer alive…but”, Jess cut him off.

“Alex, what are you trying to say?”

“The voice reminded me of Bryce.”, he said quickly looked at Zach’s and Jess’s shocked face. He quickly starts to ramble “I.. know… he’s dead. That this is not possible… The voice was just so familiar… and I don’t know.”, Alex voice starts to break, he fumbles with his hands on the hem of his sweater. Zach gets up and sits next to Alex, pressing the trembling boy to his chest.

“And Henlee believed me, she said that what was done to me was not just rape because you were horny. She said that most of the victims are being held because they want to take revenge on them.”, he looked up at Zach’s face. His streak of dark hair falls into his face. “Bryce is dead”, he whispers to Alex, holds the boy close in his arm. They were all at his funeral. Jessica saw Bryce drown.

“What if he’s not”, she replied.

“Jess, c’mon.”, Zach started but she waved him off.

“Maybe this Henlee girl knows something about it and that’s why she wants you to stay here.”

“What are you trying to say Jess?”

She gets up and starts walking up and down. “She’s right this wasn’t a simple rape, that was revenge for something. And if that's true and he's still out there, we should be careful.”

“Jessica this is nonsense”, Zach exclaimed. He has now let go of Alex, but is still sitting close to him. The smaller boy is worryingly quiet. “He’s dead. You know that”

“Zach, can you please turn on you brain for one second. If you get killed but still live in a mysterious way, who would be the first person on your list to take revenge on?” She waits a few seconds, but when she saw Zach's startled look and saw his eyes looking at Alex for a second, she knew he got the point.

“Do you think Alex is still in danger?”

“What if we are all in danger? What if this is just the beginning?”

They all flinched. None of them knew what to say. They didn't know if their guess was correct, none of them could really imagine it. If Bryce was really alive, how did he do it? How can this be possible? All three were lost in their own thoughts. But it is the only explanation why Henlee behaves so mysteriously. Zach now understands why she doesn't want Alex to go home, why she doesn't want to turn on the police, why they shouldn't leave the house. She wants to protect them all and the police couldn't do anything anyway.

“We should tell the others”, Jessica said suddenly.

“No, Jess”, Alex whined. He doesn't want the others to see him that way. Broken, hurt, weak. He also doesn't want to see their sad and pitiful faces, it makes him sick, just like when he survived his attempted suicide. He cannot tell his story again, no longer in front of his friends. It hurts him every time and he has enough of it. He wants to feel normal again.

“If that's true, then they need to know. They can all be in danger.” She reminded him that they still are his friends. Those who helped her too and that he doesn't have to be ashamed. If someone understands his feelings, it’s them.

They decided to have them all gathered here before saying anything. They will make an appointment where they will all meet in a remote location in Evergreen. Zach and Jessica will drive them to the house. Alex will wait.

At some point, they decided to go to bed. Jessica will stay the night. She borrowed something from the boys to sleep for the night and then went upstairs to one of the bedrooms. Zach stays with Alex the night. After the boys got ready for the night, and Zach gave Alex food through the tube, they were lying in bed side by side. Zach was lying on his back as Alex lay down on his chest and snuggled against him, stroking the younger man's back with one hand.

“You okay?”, Zach asked softly. He didn’t know if Alex could handle this situation.

“I’m afraid”, he admitted. What if Bryce kidnapped him again? If he hurts him again? What if he hurts his friends? What if it's _Zach_ now?

“I’m here. He won’t do anything to you. Not while I’m with you.”, Zach kissed the top of Alex Head.


End file.
